Way I Feel I Can't Help The

Authors Note: All characters and terms in this story refer to people age 18 and over.
My mate Liam crashed out on the sofa. I loved it when Liam came round to my flat. I loved him. He was my best mate. He was straight and he was the only straight person I’d come out to. None of my other mates knew I was gay. I didn’t wanna tell ‘em coz they didn’t mean anything to me. Not really. If I never saw any of ‘em ever again it wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t miss any of ‘em. But if I never ever saw Liam again that’d be horrible. I couldn’t live with that, never seeing Liam ever again. Liam meant more to me than all my other mates put together. They were nothing compared to Liam. I loved Liam. I really, really loved him. He’d always been there for me and I suppose I’d always been there for him.
I loved him and I loved his girlfriend.

I’d never said that to him while he was awake.
He’d told me he loved me, told me a few times coz he did love me…as a friend. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I loved him. I loved him more than a friend and I couldn’t say it to him. But I was saying it now, now that he was asleep. I said again and again.
“I love you. I love you. I love you, Liam.”
Before he came into my life I didn’t have feelings like this. I used to laugh at the idea of unrequited love. That was something you read about in silly novels like Wuthering Heights. If I’d never met Liam I would still be laughing about people who went on about life losing all meaning and all that.
“Liam, you bastard!”
I was dead happy before he came into my life. I was dead happy not needing anybody and not knowing what it was like to be in love with somebody. Now that the most beautiful person ever was in my life I felt dead sad.
“You bastard!”
I was sad coz I couldn’t have him. But then again, I was so glad I’d met him. So glad he was in my life. So glad he was my friend. So glad that I was his friend.
I wish I was Holly.

I loved being their friend.
I loved having them as friends.
So yeah, he’d crashed out on my sofa. I just sat there looking at him. Bless him. He looked so sweet when he was pissed. I’d phoned his girlfriend up half an hour ago to tell her that he’d be sleeping at mine tonight, told her he’d crashed out on the sofa.
“If you really want me to, Holly, I can phone a taxi for him.”
“No it’s ok.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. It’ll be best for him to sleep on your sofa.”
“I didn’t get him drunk, Holly.”
“I’ll believe you, thousands wouldn’t.”
“You know what it’s like when we get together. You’re not mad at me, are you?”
“No but I’ll give him a good bollocking tomorrow, don’t worry.”
“No you won’t.”
“He can’t take his ale like you, Nathan.”
“I think he had a couple more than me.”
“It’s you. You’ll drive anybody to drink.”
“I know.”
“All right, Nathan. Look after him.”
“Will do. See you soon.”
“Bye, Holly.”
I put the phone down.
She was cool with me letting him crash out at mine. She had no problem with him getting pissed at mine. We got on brilliant, the three of us.
So there he was, bless him. Liam. Crashed out on the sofa looking dead sweet. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel the way I did about him. I loved him like he loved Holly. I suppose I was in love with him, whatever that is. Yeah, I must have been. I wanted more than us to be just friends but I knew it could never happen. He wasn’t gay. He was straight and he had a girlfriend. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have these intense feelings for him.
But I can’t help the way I feel.
He knew I loved him but I don’t think he had any idea just how much I loved him. He didn’t know I was in love with him.
He looked so sweet lying there asleep. I sat down in the chair and just looked at him. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. He was beautiful on the outside and beautiful on the inside. I sat there looking at him. I could have just sat there forever looking at him lying there asleep. If only he felt the same for me as I felt for him.
I just sat looking at him.
Thirty minutes later I was still sitting there looking at him.
I wondered what he was dreaming about. Wondered what was going on in his head. Wondered if he was dreaming about me.
I just sat there looking at him.
“I love you, Liam.”

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